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January Life Updates

January 9th, 2016 at 03:00 am

We got to check out the condo yesterday for the walkthrough inspection. The kids picked out their rooms. It's not as big of a place as we have had in the past, but I think they will like it. I love the set up. The kid bedrooms are on the third floor, with a little loft area outside of their rooms, and a bathroom, so it is like their own space. My bedroom is on the second floor right under them, with a bathroom and laundry closet as well. The first floor houses the garage, kitchen, living/dining, and powder room.

I'm excited about what the changes will bring. The last few years have been so crappy emotionally, I'm ready for a new focus. I want to focus on spending time with my girls, finishing up my education, and staying on track with my goals. I want to get back to what I value.

I think that SO checked out emotionally soon after the official marriage, so she was just into herself. I was so focused on making things better, on "fixing" things, that it just made things worse. Now that I'm admitting it is time to let things go, I feel lighter.

The only lingering question is, what's next? SO wants to act like we are still married, just living separately, and she'll spend weekends hanging out with us and stop in during the week when I have class to help with the girls. That sounds dandy. It may be the ideal solution, so your significant other doesn't drive you crazy over the years. But in reality, I'm hurt. I'm hurt that we couldn't work things out while we were together, but she is all about doing this part-time.

By seeing how she reacted soon after we made our marriage official, and how she just focused on herself and disengaged from the family, I don't feel like "dating" her right now.

7 Responses to “January Life Updates”

  1. Allison Says:

    I don't blame you. Marriage is commitment and hard work. Any long term relationship is going to ebb and flow. Make sure to carve time out for you.

  2. NJDebbie Says:

    This separation should be on your terms, not hers. You are either in it or out of it unless you both decided that it is a good arrangement which in your case it doesn't seem like you are. Take care of you and your girls first emotionally and physically. My humble opinion!

  3. CB in the City Says:

    It seems to me that some people just can't handle the commitment of a permanent relationship. They freak out. Although I was with my ex for 14 years, I have to say he always had his foot in the door, ready for a quick exit. And even though he is remarried, it is clear the current arrangement is, she provides services, he provides the money, and he maintains his emotional distance. He just can't be close to someone. Your SO may be like this, too. Whatever you do, don't blame yourself.

  4. creditcardfree Says:

    I'm glad you are feeling lighter. More distance will make a difference one way or the other! Wishing you all the best in 2016.

  5. ceejay74 Says:

    That's tough. You're right that it's one way for a marriage to work; I heard somewhere that Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward did something similar, and they were married for I think 50+ years. But if it's not the type of marriage you want, then it's never going to feel right to you.

    Maybe she'll come to her senses and start taking it seriously after a bit longer. Marriages do often have rocky starts (mine did), so I wouldn't say there's no hope.

  6. laura Says:


    I don't think there is one right way to solve things since everyone is so different. We are facing a separation of six weeks this summer (with me taking the kids and going to the west coast for oldest daughter to work at an LA-based agency). Some very traditional devout Catholics think this is tantamount to annulment. Funny when you think that people you consider friends would be "supportive" and turn up as SO judgmental.

    My hope for you and your girls is that you're able to move on with open minds and hearts and that you can do so in peace. Ultimately, your happiness is what matters, and how your situation affects your girls. I hope that your able to settle happily and quickly into your new place, and maybe put a moratorium on seeing each other for "x" amount of time. Wishing you peace. Smile

  7. alice4now Says:

    Thanks for your thoughts, everyone. For now I just want to get settled in the new place, and adjust to the situation that my girls and I will be entering. She needs to realize that this is not just about her and what she wants.

    And Laura, it's a shame your "friends" are getting catty about your summer plans. Really, six weeks apart and they think the marriage will be ruined?! They sound bitter and jealous. Peace to you!

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